Tales of a 4th grade something...

Steve Hill died today. Funny but I never called him Steve while he was alive but for some reason, I feel compelled to do so now. Will, Hope and I spooned on Will's futon with me in the middle. We cried together, a 13 year old boy, a 9 year old girl and me, their mother.

Steve was at yoga at the YMCA three weeks ago. I wonder if the feeling I have now that he seemed distant and distracted last time we saw him is my imagination or whether he knew.

Every time we saw him Hope gave him a hug. She wanted to be in his class next year. Will had him in 4th grade. He was ex-military; stern and beloved.

We haven't heard what happened. I guess it doesn't really matter. It won't make a difference. We wouldn't feel any safer no matter how rare the disease or unlikely the circumstances.

I had to ask David where the phone charger was. It felt disrespectful. I wasn't really ready yet to address mundane things.

I may have lunch at school with my daughter tomorrow. I think I need to be around other people who feel this senseless loss. I want the children to know that talking about it makes me sad and happy at the same time. I know that they feel it too.

Another teacher at our Elementary school died last year. Last night when he heard about Mr. Hill, Will said today that he didn't care when that happened. He said, "She was stupid". I know what he meant. He didn't care for her like he cared for Steve Hill. That was his 13 year old way of expressing that although people around us die often, our feelings vary. Steve's death has sliced us open.

This is my first blog post but the second time is as many weeks that I've been compelled to think out loud. I think it is time in my life for me to end each day (as often as possible), certainly the stressful ones, with my voice on paper. Next time, I'll take the Ambien earlier :) I must fall asleep tonight to "The Secret Life of Bees" compliments of the North Carolina Digital Library. Books on audio chase away the busy brain.

I wonder what Steve's 16 year old daughter is doing right now. If this were a week ago this past Wednesday, she'd be doing yoga with him.

Father, countryman, 4th grade teacher and friend. Goodbye~~~~