Affirmative

I've been a very bad girl. See, there I go again. 10 affirmation penalty. Holly, my therapist, said that we're very good at inserting negative thoughts into our psyche. Each negative though takes, according to Holly, about 10 positive thoughts to counteract. Hence my arrival at a penalty of 10 affirmations. That leaves me at negative 10 for the day because Holly'd already assigned me the task of documenting affirmations, which I have neglected to do since having been given the assignment at my Monday session. This assignment Holly has given me, affirmation documentation, in addition to thinking about what type of work I'd like to do when I decide it is time for gainful employment, listing characteristics of the perfect workplace, and assorted other tasks that seem more like work than I'm sometimes willing to tackle.

So I've been a very good girl actually. Although I've neglected my blog for the past 3 weeks or so, I'm writing now and that equates to good. I actually write a blog entry in my head each evening. I'm walking. That's when I think the entry, mentally write it. That is the time when my thoughts are quiet and I'm assured time without interruption. I think that the reason I neglect the blog is because I'm afraid, as I am right now this instant, that I'll be fluent, as I am right now this instant, and I'll be interrupted as, knock on wood, I'm not right now this instant. I'm there for the family 100% which results in the inevitable interruption to what I'd like to be doing at the moment. But, that makes me feel great, being there 100% for the family. This summer with the kids has been the best of my life. We've gotten closer. I've become, if not a friend to them, because as a parent, my job is not to be their friend, someone they can talk to. Parent and friend are an oxymoron. You cannot adequately parent and be your child's friend. But as I said, we've become so close and I enjoy their company wholeheartedly.

So the blog entries are mentally written on gray matter as I walk each evening. I feel like I'm me at about 90% internally and 110% physically as before I went into the hospital. Physically before, I was working out on my stairmaster 3X/week. Now I'm up to 4, yoga two days for an hour each and a 30 minute, 1.5 mile walk each evening. Internally, I'm working, with Holly's help, on taking care of me. Odd that what I assumed was an overindulgence of self turned out to be a total self neglection. I took care of everyone else and assumed that it was what I needed to do to be happy. Now that I've learned to quiet my mind, develop self care rituals and put my own needs first sometimes, because one can only care for others after having cared for self, I'm improving. I'm stronger every day.

I think also neglect blog entries when I feel that I have nothing profound to say. Blog entries can be profound without having been carefully crafted or whether or not they are profound to anyone other than me. Although my blog is public, I write it for me, my most vocal critic. I have realized what feels average for me may be entertaining for someone or vice versa. So I walk and write and don't worry so much that I won't remember what I wanted to say. I just come back, at least today, and type. I figured out that if I commit a sentence to memory while I walk, the first sentence that pops into my head and begins the mental blog entry, the rest will work itself out as I type.

So, this is finished and even with an hour and 1/2 interruption by the blond child, to help order a new PS2 Dual Shock controller off eBay. And it didn't hurt a bit and we had the time for him to teach me all about his PS2, why blue controllers suck, why after market controllers suck and for me to teach him a little lesson about how to save $10 on his controller by shopping online. Will we pay sales tax on the purchase? Affirmative :)